NSFW after the jump
Monday, February 10, 2014
I can't catch a break with my girl Kate Upton these days
I assume everyone saw this already. I've said what I needed to say about Kate and Justin already. It just pisses me off that she is gonna wife herself up before I get the chance to throw my hat in the ring. I'm 15 months out max from being the biggest star in the world and you're telling me its gonna be too late? Don't say that me! Have your fun Kate, I'm not telling you what to do. Just don't do anything stupid, because I am coming for you and you will always regret it if you don't hold out. At the rate we are going now I'm going to have to produce an engagement ring by the end of march. Fine, the things we do for love right? What are those things, three months salary? Pierce help me out with the math, what is 3 multiplied by 0?
News reporter on KTLA confuses Samuel L Jackson with Laurence Fishburne
Lets get real for a second. You can't fuck this up. Sounding like a racist is not scoring you any points. Unfortunately this news reporter he doesn't have a last name that allows him to get away with stunts like this (what up Phil). But the reason you can't fuck this up isn't the reason Sammy J put him on blast. Maybe these two guys do look a like to the reporter. I have 18 Korean people living in my apartment building and i'm convinced that it is one family of identical twin siblings that bought out every unit but mine. So I'm not mad at him for that. This is just simple cut and dry case of doing your hw vs not doing your hw. You know you have Samuel L Jackson on the show. You think, oh he was on that KIA superbowl commercial wasn't he? Look it up! Ever heard of google? Ever seen the Internship? I'm assuming you have, because Samuel Jackson isn't in it. Holy fucking awkward after he made this mistake. Knew he was dead in the water right away. And maybe this was a last minute add to the teleprompter, or off script all together, either way it's just so fucking stupid to make this mistake.
I feel like Coach Bud Kilmer. "Stick to the basics! Stick to the basics! Stick. To. The basics!"
Kristen Stewart stands by every mistake she has ever made
"I stand by every mistake I've ever made, so judge away," she says.
Listen, this article isn't worth reading probably unless you are a big fan of K-Stew. She just talks about life in Hollywood. But I am a fan and I did read it and now I want to talk about it. I admit that she isn't like A list hot, and she has less than zero expression, and she isn't that good of an actor, and that she is painfully awkward, but I dig it. Am I the only one, or does every else like her as much as I do? And to be honest, we are like polar opposites. She hates the spotlight, I love it. She loves working hard, I've never worked a day in my life. All I'm saying is, when you read this Kristen, I am happy to be one of your mistakes.
Does this look like the face of a chick who opened fire through the drive thru window at mcdonalds over a order mistake
She's so particular that when employees at a McDonald's in Grand Rapids, Mich., goofed up her order twice in one evening, she expressed her displeasure by allegedly firing a gun at the drive-thru window.
I'm on the fence here. I really am. On the one hand taking a life is a big deal. It's hard to get behind someone who is ready to kill another human being at point blank range. But on the other hand, each person has a breaking point. Now two order screw ups at mcdonals isn't that big of a deal. But lets talk details here. This chick showed up on sunday night and placed an order, which got screwed up. Mcdonalds offered a free meal on her next visit. Then she came back later that night and placed the same order and it got screwed up again! Same order twice in the same night. It's almost like they were fucking with her. How do you let that happen? Again, I'm on the fence. Sticking a pistol through the drive thru window is psycho, but so is not letting me eat what I ordered twice in four hours.
LC's birthday hoedown
I am in love with LC. Like love, love. It's actually the only reason I moved out here, for the hope that I might one day bump into her. I don't even really want to talk about this story because that means I have to talk about the fact that she is engaged. But engaged ain't married.
What I do want to talk about is that country look. Pig tails coming out of the cowboy hat. Fire flames on top of molten lava, on top of more flames. I am from Boston (fuck you james) and a lot of my new england buddies love country music. I never got into it. But country fest is something I can get down with, because it is a shit show and every girl looks like this. I mean clothing wise, body wise they couldn't even sniff LC. What is it about this look? Is it Daisy Dukes that did this? Or is this just something in the DNA code of men that makes me utterly powerless to pig tails, cowboy hats, and flannel shirts with 3 buttons undone?
Jared Leto is a self proclaimed pancake pro
The award-winning actor was filmed effortlessly flipping a pancake not once but twice!
Leto, who is seen dressed in a blue sweatshirt and matching sweatpants, looks at the pal who is filming and says, "You ready?!"
After the Dallas Buyers Club star successfully flaunts his flipping he makes a peace sign and proudly exclaims, "two times baby!"
Wait a minute, you're a pro if you can flip a fucking pancake? What are we even doing here anymore? If this makes you a pro I should be head chef at The Palm by tomorrow night. You should see me flip an omelette. You think slope style is cool? I will triple cork the fuck out of 3 eggs, ham, onions, and cheese and stick the landing so smooth it deserves a gold medal, and some orange juice on the side. Also, whats with the huge pancake? Like same amount of batter but three pancakes is better, right? The whole point is you get to stack them. I don't need one 24 inch pancake taking up my entire plate. Syrup dripping onto the table and shit. Bad look. I would say this is double AA ball pancake game at best.
Dumb Starbucks store opens in LA
A Feb. 7 tweet under the handle @dumbstarbucks announced the store’s opening at 1802 Hillhurst Avenue in Los Angeles. Photos on social media showed a store that appeared to be a Starbucks with its familiar green awning and mermaid logo but with the word ‘dumb’ attached to its sign. The Seattle-based coffee chain says its legal team is working on identifying the store’s owner.
“We are aware of this store, and it is not affiliated with Starbucks,” spokeswoman Laurel Harper said in an email Monday. “We are evaluating next steps, and while we appreciate the humor, they cannot use our name, which is a protected trademark.” She adds that the vast majority of trademark disputes “are handled informally,” suggesting the company will not need to take legal action.
Fucking love this play. I'm not much of a coffer drinker and starbucks still bothers me. I mean this is clearly not legal but it's the best way to get recognized. Whatever happens from here everyone knows about this place on Hillhurst now and that is how it is going to stay. Put the big dog on blast. Love how the Starbucks rep says that these disputes are usually handled informally, saying they wont need to take legal action. I have never heard a bigger threat in my entire life. I agree, there will be nothing 'formal' about the 4 inch knife sticking out of this person's back come morning.
Kraft singles being forced (basically) to lose artificial preservatives
The change affects the company's Kraft Singles in the full-fat American and White American varieties, which Kraft says account for the majority of brand's sales.
I get trying to eat healthy. I really do. I try to eat healthy monday-friday so I can eat like a bag of dicks all weekend. I basically have to eat healthy come monday or my body would literally shut down. So it is important for there to be health food options out there. I just don't understand why we have to take anything that isn't perfectly healthy and ruin it. Cheese is fucking money, there are so many great cheeses for different things. But when you want a grilled cheese, bread slightly burned because the bread was ready but the cheese wasn't melted yet so you kept it on a little longer, that you can smother with ketchup, then kraft singles are a no fucking brainer. Keep my fridge stocked with them for that occasion. I understand this isn't the healthiest thing I'm eating today. I just melted 8 slices of cheese and drowned it in ketchup for christs sake. Just let me be. I understand when something comes individually wrapped in plastic its probably not good for me. I don't need to hear that boneless wings are unnatural and there is disgusting shit holding the meat together. Basically, if you are buying kraft singles you are not concerned with preservatives.
Chris Kattan arrested for DUI on the 101
The "Saturday Night Live" and "A Night at the Roxbury" alum, 43, drove up on some Department of Transportation guardrail work on the westbound 101 near Balboa Boulevard around 2 a.m. Though Caltrans had a lane closed with cones, flashing arrows and signs, Kattan crossed the cones in his Mercedes and whacked into the back of a work truck inside the closed-off area, California Highway Patrol Officer Monica Posada told L.A. Now.
The truck was empty, and nobody was hurt.
Chris Kattan has the exact career that I want. When it's all said and done, as long as my inevitable DUI makes headlines, then I've succeeded. Here's my question though. I've driven drunk before, multiple times. Not proud of it. Hope I never do it again. But lets just say I'm a realist and leave it at that. Each time I have been behind the wheel and over the limit and I have been able to drive. Probably a bit swervey, or maybe too fast, but I've never been this bad. Maybe I have my friends to thank, for never letting me get into my car when I am that cooked, but I just don't get it. Like you can't even walk to your fucking car, so how is driving it even an option? The point is if you are so fucking drunk that you plow through cones and then into the back of a parked truck you deserve the DUI.
PS If he didn't get out complaining about neck problems we all lose.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Katy Cocktease says she prayed for big tits
"I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, 'God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can't see my feet when I'm lying down?'" At age 11, "God answered my prayers,"
Did he ever. I guess thats what happens when you are the child of two preachers. Preferential treatment. All I've ever received is a pick 6 in the Chick-Fil-A Bowl and apparently it cost me the afccg. Oh well, thanks god, I guess I'll just go fuck myself.
But seriously though, I respect the shit out of this from Katy. If you are a girl in the world you have to be hot. HAVE TO. Preferably with rocking tits. I've said it before and I will say it again, if I am cursed with a daughter (if someone lets me impregnate them) and my choices are smart, loving, and ugly vs stupid, slutty, and hot I take the slut 1 billions times out of a billion. "Oh powers I can't believe you want your daughter to be a whore! You are going to come down stairs for breakfast and know the unshaven 17 year old dude in the yankees hat just got sucked off by your little girl". Don't care. If my daughter is ugly that means I have to sit at home with her on prom night when no one is calling, and I have to sit with her when she gets passed up on jobs, and I have to sit with her when she is 35 talking about how badly she used to want kids but her cats are really growing on her. I would much rather spend my entire adult life trying and failing to chase douche bags off my porch after they fucked my daughter because at least I will know she will have a happy life. Things will be handed to her, she will gets jobs she doesn't deserve, until someone who is rich puts a million dollars on her ring finger and she never lifts and another finger again. And he will probably be good looking and then my grandchildren will be successful also. It's all about continuing your blood line, and if sluts are good at anything its reproducing.
So good for you Katy, you didn't waste your prayers, and may you pass on those cannons to any daughters you might have so they can take their shitty singing voice and turn it into a career.
PS Name me one other blog where you can get barstool quality without having to deal with a single ad, and the blogger knows his readers by name. YOU CANT.
Breaking Breakfast News: Froot Loops Are All the Same Flavor
Turns out that the delicious, multicolored O’s that make up Froot Loops don’t actually represent different fruit flavors. Reddit’s Today I Learned series recently unearthed a 1999 article from the Straight Dope, which confirms that “according to Kellogg’s, all of those delectable loops are flavored the same.”
I mean everyone already knew this, right? I am a moron of epic proportions but even I wasn't saving my red froot loops for last because I liked those the best. (However I do do that with M&Ms, psycho shit). My point is this, froot loops, fruity pebbles, and trix have the same taste with every different colored kernel, and if you didn't know that than you are stupid. But what are you eating these anyway?
3)
2)
1)
No brainer, end of discussion. This is as big as your rotation ever needs to be. Quit breakfast if you disagree.
The MGM Lion gets his paws in cement at the TCL Chinese Theater
On hand to commemorate the 90th anniversary of MGM Studios, Leo, known for his signature roar at the start of each MGM film, was joined by Chairman and CEO Gary Barber and Rocky Balboa himself, Sylvester Stallone.
I'm so fucked. I got Pierce and Trygg getting screen time on Bar Swap, I got old high school friends going lez to make it in the business then hoping back on dick when they feel like it, I got barstool IOWA, I got no job, I got no money, and now I got wild fucking animals getting stars on Hollywood Blvd. At what point do we just put me out of my misery? At what point do they say, "son, the moving back east and getting a real job ship has sailed."? I'm just saying a 25 cent bullet is looking real nice right about now, if only I could afford it.
Car hits guy on a bike, guy gets stuck in the car windshield, driver doesn't notice
The driver did not respond, but continued on, running a stop sign and hitting another vehicle before he arrived home, the cyclist, Steven Gove, told HTR Media about the Saturday incident The man finally noticed Gove when he stopped the car outside his home.
"He looked at me and said 'Who are you? What are you doing in the car?'" Gove said. "He started freaking out: 'I'm going to jail, I'm going to jail.'"
The man then locked the car doors and went into his home.
That might have been the most fun headline I have ever typed. Wisconsin swag to the max. What kind of power on power move is this? Fucking smashing into a biker, the dude gets lodged in your windshield, glass everywhere, and you just keep cruising on home. Maybe turned the heat up cause it got a little breezy in here all of a sudden. Even after he realizes there is another human draped across the dash he gives the old "who are you?" then goes inside. Good thing he locked the car, its not like you have a person for a windshield. Complete and utter disrespect for the cyclist game.
Needless to say the guy lived, or I wouldn't be blogging about this. I was gonna shit on the biker for saying he was wearing his reflective vest and flashers, but then I found out hes a 56 year old newspaper carrier and the driver was some 20 year old prick who was probably so fucked up he thought he was in GTA with great graphics, and I started to feel bad. Anyway, get Aaron Rogers on the line because this kid is definitely going to need to discount double check his insurance.
Florida teen does porn to support his mom, gets suspended from school
Robert Marucci, a senior at Cocoa High School in Cocoa, Florida, told CNN affiliate WKMG that he picked up his X-rated gig to help his mom pay the bills.
Let me start off by saying I have a problem with the school suspending this kid. He's 18, he can do whatever the fuck he wants as long he keeps it separate from school. I do have a problem with this kids mother. Your job is to support your children. Some people have it easy, they are rich. Some parents work two/three jobs to keep their family a float and I respect that. Some sling drugs and some suck dick, whatever it takes put food on the plate and provide a bed to lay his head in. So it just rubs me the wrong way hearing that the son had to make the move to porn. What the fuck does his mom look like that she can't do this? I mean there are fetish videos for just about everything. No way she can't make the same money he is pulling in. Most likely more. Bad parenting 101 right here.
PS What kinda porn is this chump doing? I mean I always thought, as a dude, you had to start out in a ton of gay porns, and then MAYBE if you have an absolute hammer you get to eat out Katie Morgan some day. And if that is not true and this dude has been firing loads into smokes from jump street I need to know right now, because that is pretty much the only thing keeping me from taking the plunge.
Kate Upton is back 'on-again' with Justin Verlander
Fuck off Justin! Seriously bro, maybe you should spend less time plugging my dream girl and more time working on something off speed unless you enjoyed Napoli taking your ass deep.
What the fuck is going on in this sean penn story
But the other thing Morgan, an outspoken anti-gun advocate, mentioned in his column was this: His pal Penn owns 67 guns, a fact the actor admitted over the phone the day before the charity gala...
"I’m melting down all the guns, and the ton of ammo I have, too, and the great artist Jeff Koons has agreed to make a sculpture out of it all to sell at my Haiti fund-raiser tomorrow night," Penn told Morgan.
For those of you keeping score at home this means that sean penn, who is 53, is dating charlize theron, who is 38. I'm not an age-ist, so that isn't my issue. Trust me, I've done much much worse. I just don't get what charlize is doing. It's not like she isn't A-list hot. She can bag who ever she wants. And she wants the stick up his ass 50 year old who went full retard?
And what's with the gun thing? The dude has 67 guns? I would say that qualifies as enough to necessitate an entire rack. But thats got to be a red flag though, right? Like what the fuck is sean penn doing with 67 different ways to kill you in the front hall closet? Not to mention the fact that now he is melting all the guns and the ton of ammo (i assume he literally means 2000 lbs of ammo) to be turned into a sadistic fucking sculpture made out of deadly weapons to be sold at a Hati fund raiser? What planet am I on?
PS Do we like how they are wearing their hair the same way in this picture
Soulja Boy arrested on suspicion of having loaded gun
The rapper, whose name is DeAndre Cortez Way, 23, was booked for possession of a concealed weapon about 4 a.m. during a traffic stop in the 17000 block of Barneston St. in Granada Hills, said Los Angeles Police Officer Wendy Reyes.
I didn't go to law school like my boy James, who has single-handedly kept me alive over the past four days, so I just don't understand the way the law works. Can we actually arrest people on the 'suspicion' of having a loaded gun? And if so, why isn't Soulja Boy being arrested every time he walks out of the house? That's what I don't understand. Obviously Soulja Boy has a loaded gun on him. Especially at 4am in Granada Hills. I don't even want to live in the world where Soulja Boy doesn't have a gun on him 24/7. So what are we even doing here? Arrest him for a concealed weapon, but not for the suspicion. I've got to believe the upstanding gentlemen of the LAPD have better things to do than arresting every single rapper in the city for packing heat, so why don't you let my man DeAndre go superman some hoes and call it a day?
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Blue meth was found in Albuquerque, New Mexico
Source - ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — Reality in the illegal drug world is mimicking fiction.
Kevin Abar, assistant special agent in charge of Homeland Security Investigations in New Mexico, says distributors are selling methamphetamine tinted blue in the Four Corners region. Abar says tinting meth blue is a way for distributors to advertise and brand their product.
How about Albuquerque NM, huh? What a piece of shit place to live. (Cue Barstool Albuquerque press conference tomorrow morning) Is there anyone in this city not on hard drugs? But either way who ever the Heisenberg is cooking this baby blue he flat out gets it. It's called giving the people what they want. It's called brand recognition. It doesn't matter if this shit is 20% pure. It was 99% on the tv show and that is all the matters. You have the hottest ticket in town. Create the demand and own the supply. It's a no brainer.
PS No way this dude ever goes down. It would send the meth community into an uproar. You can't lose with 100% approval. Win the crowd, you win your freedom.
Daddy is feeling good tonight
I started feeling good about myself tonight and had a bit too much wine. Then the music came on and I started grooving. I grooved my way into the bathroom at one point to take a piss and caught the reflection of myself dancing in the mirror.
I can fucking BRING IT. No wonder I make out every time I go to a bar.
This is me on every single saturday night.
I can fucking BRING IT. No wonder I make out every time I go to a bar.
This is me on every single saturday night.
Jim Carrey and Shia Labeouf fight is making me laugh
So Jim Carrey dropped this gem at the globes on sunday. He is ripping on Shia for plagerizing talented people's work. It was funny. Jim is funny. He makes jokes. Everybody chill. Then Shia fired back on twitter as per usual these days.
Then apologized as per usual.
But heres what made me laugh. Shia is getting killed for this overreaction. Especially because he is kind of falling off the map in hollywood. When he was younger he was the next tom hanks. then he did some shit movies, stole someone else's work, and now hes got the black death on him. I don't care who you are, that got to wear on you to some degree. You thought you had it all, and it comes crashing down. So to see him tweet the following, and know deep down that he has fallen, really just tickled my funny bone.
Sorry for the slow day I was busy hammering job interviews like it was my J-O-.... nevermind
The world of TPS reports is at my finger tips. I am minutes away from a cube job, where I will have to blog from the bathroom stalls to keep you peasants entertained as I collect benjamins. I was hot today. You should have fucking seen me. Red hot. Blue hot. All of them. Literal smoke coming off the top of my frosted tips.
I was taking names and then dropping them on anyone who would listen and I just might have lied and cheated my way into minimum wage employment. More info later in the week, which means you have bathing in my failed tears to look forward to in the next 24-48 hours.
I haven't even been to the interview yet and I'm already dreading not being able to sleep in.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Gisele is four wheeling with Vivian is making me feel primal things
Gisele wasn't doing wheelies or anything, but it's still pretty dangerous, considering she was driving one-handed and holding on to her baby daughter Vivian Lake with the other.
For the record, it's illegal to ride an ATV on public land in Costa Rica without a helmet. Gisele's driving down to the beach, but it's unclear if the beach is private.
Jesus. This fucking family. One minute there are taking family of the year worthy christmas card candid's playing in the snow together, then you blink your eyes and the next minute Tom is shitting on the new it quarterback on the way to his NFL record 8th AFCCG and Gisele is shredding an ATV illegally across Costa Rica no helmet, shades on, baby in one arm. This is alpha city. This is I have two kids but my body is dynamite. This my daughter will be the only super model to ever get paid more than I have been paid. This is I make the fucking rules in Costa Rica. This is my husband probably could throw the ball and catch ball. I just feel bad for whoever took this picture because they were probably shot by Brady's security.
Game of Thrones season 4 trailer
Game of Thrones released the trailer for the new season. If you read the books you know that books 4 and five are legit bad books. I'm worried for the show's future. This season should be the the last third of book 3 and then who knows how far into book 4/5 (because they are the timeline). Just like how I feel about the books, I'm in too deep stop anyway. Khaleesi and Ygritte are certified smokes. You know you are going to get some tits, you know you are going to get some blood, probably with a few quality one liners in there as well like the there is only one hell, the one we live in now.
Now that road to the winter classic is over, I canceled HBO and I wont be getting it back until April 6th. Lets pray to the old gods and the new that season 4 is worth it.
Editor's update: It was more of they shut off HBO due to lack of payment than me canceling it if we're being honest.
Southwest plane lands at the wrong airport
The pilots repeatedly apologized to passengers who were stuck on the tarmac for two hours while steps could be brought over from Branson Airport to help them deplane.
While waiting, Schieffer and the other passengers ate peanuts provided by flight attendants. Southwest offered them a $200 travel voucher, he said.
When I first read this headline I figured we were talking full on wrong city. At least they were a few miles away. However, once you consider that fact that it was a tiny runway and they always tumbled down a cliff killing everyone the mistake seems pretty glaring. The worst part is they were stuck on the plane for two hours trying to get stairs that could get them down eating nothing but peanuts. Jetblue gave me 50 bucks because my plane was so delayed leaving Boston during Hercules. 200 dollars isn't even close to what these people deserve.
I really want to know what happened to the pilot profession. Getting me across the country 35000 feet in the air is a big deal. These guys used to get standing ovations when planes landed, and they would roll around with the hottest crew of flight attendants in the game and fucked all of them. Now they are doing lines of coke of strippers tits five minutes before take off just to wake up. Or at least that's what I got from Flight. All I'm saying is no way somebody sober lands a jet at the wrong fucking airport.
tyson foods is recalled 33,000 pounds of chicken they put out that has salmonella
three hour orgasm sends woman to the hospital
Must watch video just for the reenactment. It's times like these I know I will never make it as an actor when there people out there dropping oscar worthy performances like this just for reality tv. I'd be lucky to get a commercial.
Real talk though, I've never seen a female orgasm in person so I don't know how I would react to this. The "doctor" they ask about it says she has seen men with erections for three hours but that is completely different. That is like a chick being wet for three hours which happens 25 times at every wolf of wall street screening. This would be like me firing off ropes for three hours straight, so I understand that this might be an issue. Hard to blog all day when I'm soaking the keyboard and my eyes are rolled in the back of my head. The one thing I do know is that this dude has officially broken sex. Why even have it anymore. It's like when I beat a video game so badly I don't even want to play it anymore. Three hour orgasm babe? Is that good?
Chick gets stabbed by her boyfriend when she brought him the wrong lunch
Source - A woman was attacked by her boyfriend because she brought home the wrong lunch, police say.
The Associated Press reports that Michael Corsey allegedly stabbed his girlfriend with a kitchen knife after she brought home pizza, instead of the chicken sandwich he asked for.
Cops said the woman, who was also choked and hit in the face by Corsey, was treated for minor injuries.
I have the same questions I always have about these stories. The devil is in the details. Did she bring him a slice or a whole pie? Was she choked and punched first and then stabbed? Or was she stabbed first? What is a kitchen knife? Are we talking a butter knife, a steak knife, or the beast I use to slice tomatoes? The answers to these questions change everything.
Based on the information given to me, I rule in favor of the girlfriend. Listen, I understand having your heart set on something and being given something else. But it's hard for me to support anyone being that mad about pizza. It's like the universal 'yea that works' food. When every people can't decide on what take out to order 9 times out of 10 the conversation ends with lets just get some pizza. So maybe take a breath, enjoy your slice, and don't filet your girlfriend over a busted lunch.
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